


Nameless Grace

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Drama/Romance, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 05:45:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/794547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nightmares bring Jim's past into the future, threatening his new relationship with Blair. Part three of the Heartfire Series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nameless Grace

DISCLAIMER: I know they're not mine, but I can dream, can't I? I only want to use them for a little while and will put them back in relatively good condition, only slightly worse for wear. Please don't sue, *I* don't have anything *you* want. Life's not fair, you know? No money, no gain, just pure unadulterated lust and passion. Part 3 of the Heartfire series. Part 1 is "Walks in Beauty", Part 2 is "Of Dark and Bright". WARNING: Angst abound here. Tissues may be required. Hasn't been beta read, all mistakes are mine. If you like it, please let me know. If you don't like it, please let me know, but nicely. My psyche is fragile. Rating: NC-17, explicit m/m sex, h/c, discussion of rape. If you're under 18 or don't like the idea of men loving men, go away. There are places for people like you, but this is not one of them. 

## Nameless Grace

By Debbie Bailey  


"NOOOOO!! OH, GOD, PLEASE, NOOOO!!."

The anguished scream brought Blair bolt upright in bed, confused for a moment, until he remembered where he was. Low moans poured in a continuous stream from the man beside him. These were sounds of grief so heart-wrenching Blair wondered how anyone could live with it, even in a dream. Carefully reaching out to Jim, he began talking softly, calling Jim back from whatever hell he'd fallen into.

"Jim, Jim, it's Blair, come on, Jim, wake up. It's ok, everything's all right. Jim, come on, Big Guy, wake up."

Jim sat up with a jerk, his eyes wide and staring, his face a mask of horror.

"Ssshhh!! Easy, easy. It's all right, lover, I'm here. Come on, Jim, look at me. It's me, Blair, remember. We're at the cabin and you just had a nightmare." 

As he felt the tension lessen slightly in Jim's body, he began softly stroking down his neck, across his shoulders, back and chest, trying to ease more of the tautness from the bunched up muscles. Petting, caressing, talking in a constant soothing flow of warmth, he worked a full 15 minutes before recognition crept into Jim's stark gaze. Suddenly, Jim's body wilted and he curled in on himself, back to Blair. As the younger man tried to figure out what was wrong, he felt the bed shaking and realized Jim was crying, sobbing quietly, desperately, heartbreak palpable in each gasp. Not sure what had caused such despair, but in full Guide mode now, Blair searched his mind frantically for something to do to help his Sentinel. 

Gathering as much of the weeping man as he could into his arms, he continued soothing Jim with his voice, moulding himself against the broad back. Pressing kisses on the taut skin, he kept up a barely audible stream of endearment. 

"Jim, baby, it's ok, it was just a dream, it's ok, lover, I've got you, I won't ever let you go, gonna hold you and kiss you and love you forever, for all eternity, I'm yours, Jim, and you're mine, together forever, love you, Big Guy, love you so desperately I can't stand it, need you, need you every minute of every day for the rest of my life and beyond, Jim, Jim, hush, baby, don't cry anymore, please, Jim, please, turn over, love, let me see you, come on, Jim, turn over." 

Slowly, oh, so slowly the heart-breaking sounds the other man was making eased and finally stopped. That magnificent body was skill shaking and quivering in his arms, but there was a slight lessening of tension in the muscles as finally, Jim turned in his arms and lay looking at him, eyes haunted by something so terrible it had left a permanent stain on his soul. 

"How can you even bear to look at me? I'm nothing, less than nothing, not worthy of your slightest notice." 

It wasn't so much what he said, as the tone of his voice, that chilled Blair to the bone. The voice that had been so vibrant and alive with passion as he'd shouted Blair's name in ecstasy only hours ago, was cold, devoid of life and warmth, almost a monotone. 

Blair drew back slightly to better focus on Jim's face, searching for a clue to what was happening. All he saw was loathing and disgust, not directed outward toward him, but inward to the center of Jim's being. And Blair knew it was acid, eating through Jim, destroying the bond they'd forged in the heat of their love-making.

Fear, like a small cold snake, coiled itself around Blair's heart, hissing evil, spiteful words at him, 'See, I told you it wasn't real. He didn't really want you. He just told you that, so he could fuck you. You'll see, when you get back to Cascade, he'll boot you out of the loft so fast you'll have cement burns on your butt from sliding down the sidewalk. Damn, Blair, how many kinds of fool can you make of yourself?'

A veteran of many battles with his darker side, Blair was made of strong stuff and now he fought back hard, refusing to relinquish the link between Jim and him. 'No, this is not about me. It's about Jim. He's been hurt terribly and somehow loving me has reawakened the pain. I *WILL NOT* give up on him or us. Not now. Not after waiting so long. Go away.' 

Gradually the spiteful voice quieted and his breathing eased into a steadier rhythm. He needed all his wits and skills to help Jim. He didn't have time for demons from his past. He'd deal with them later, if necessary. Right now Jim was all that mattered, Jim and his devastating pain.

Blair reached out, taking Jim's face in his hands and moved back to within inches of the other man. Looking deeply into Jim's eyes, letting his love for this man shine brightly in his own eyes, knowing Jim could see him, could see his face clearly, even in the half-light of early dawn, Blair said, "Jim, I know you're in pain. I know something terrible has happened to you. I know you don't want to hurt me. Whatever it is, we'll face it together. I've waited too long to lose you now. So you can either talk to me now, or talk to me later, but you will talk to me, do you understand?"

Not waiting for an answer, he pulled Jim's face to his, began kissing him, gently brushing his lips against that beautiful mouth. Moving closer, he kissed Jim again, harder, pressing tongue tip against his lips, seeking entrance, searching for a response. At first it was like kissing a statue. Jim's lips were cold, stiff, unyielding. But as Blair persisted, breathing onto the lips before licking them delicately, then pressing hard again, sucking the bottom lip into his mouth and nipping it lightly, he began to feel Jim relax and open his mouth slightly, giving Blair the opportunity he wanted. Diving in, he began devouring Jim's mouth, searching out all the hidden places with his tongue, sucking Jim's tongue into his mouth when it was offered tentatively, massaging the organ thoroughly before releasing it back to Jim. As the lack of oxygen began to make him dizzy, he drew back and looked at Jim again.

The transformation was shocking. All the pain and terror and that awful cold rigidity had drained out of Jim's face. His eyes were closed, eyelashes feathering on his cheeks, tears running in twin crystal streamlets down his face, and his mouth was swollen and puffy from Blair's kisses. The picture of wanton surrender, he licked his lips and slowly opened his eyes. As those gems of blue crystal focused on Blair, he breathed his name, "Blair," and leaned forward into another kiss.

Their first loving had been hot and passionate, fuelled by long months of frustration and longing --- an all-out, no-holds-barred rush toward complete and total possession of each other. As the kiss deepened, a new emotion woke in both hearts, and they became infinitely gentle, cherishing each delicate caress, each feather touch, building toward a mutual climax no less earth-shattering for the tenderness, perhaps because of it.

Blair, relinquishing Jim's mouth, wriggled downward, delicately kissing, then licking, then kissing again, every square inch of the older man's throat, shoulders, chest, pausing long enough to pay special attention to the sensitive nipples, circling them with his tongue, blowing gently across them, then tenderly sucking each one for long moments, until Jim was arching into his mouth, moaning his name, hands buried in his hair, holding him to his task, then releasing so he could continue.

Shifting lower, Blair continued to bathe Jim with his tongue and lips, tasting the heady mixture of sweat and sex from the night before, lapping eagerly to find every morsel. When he reached Jim's navel, he spent long, delightful minutes exploring this miniature cave, smiling at the shudders that racked Jim's body in response to his prolonged attention with tongue and lips. Satisfied he'd discovered every corner of the tiny hollow, he slipped lower again, entranced by the weaving head bouncing before him. Taking the shaft carefully in one hand, he began another thorough washing of the object of his desire. Long, swiping licks of his tongue up the entire length soon had Jim thrusting helplessly, trying desperately to connect with that elusive mouth. Smiling he relented and drew it in with a slow, steady sucking, clamping his lips just below the head, his tongue swirling round the head like a whirlwind. 

He felt a gentle pull on his hair, heard Jim gasping, "Wa \- Wait, Chief, wait. Stop. Want us to come together. Come back up here, I want to hold you."

Relinquishing his suction on Jim's cock, he slid back up the body he'd just traversed, his hips jerking downward when his own erection rubbed against Jim's. Jim, still holding him with both hands wound in his hair, pulled him into another mind-boggling kiss and he felt it spiral down through his body, felt his toes curling in response, wondering if he could hold on long enough to cum with Jim. 

Jim suddenly rolled them over, so he was atop Blair, and, grinning down at him, repeated Blair's words of last night, "My turn." Blair felt his whole body lurch upwards at the intensity of those words and then he was spun away into a world of pleasure beyond belief, fire racing through him, Jim's mouth and tongue searing his skin, tracing white hot trails across his throat, chest, a tug at the nipple ring almost triggering his orgasm, down the arrow of hair pointing the way to his aching, twitching cock. Jim was just as gentle and just as thorough, not leaving one spot to move to another until Blair was sobbing, begging for more.

Using Sentinel senses, he brought Blair to the edge two, three, four times and then backed him off, his own climax threatening to spill at any moment. When he knew neither one of them could take any more stimulation, he slid quickly back up beside Blair and gathering the small man into his arms, rolled onto his back so Blair lay full-length on top of him, erections rubbing against each other. Adjusting them for maximum contact, he drew Blair's face down to devour his delicious mouth, and started thrusting against the tormenting heat of Blair's crotch. A moment of exquisite agony, and they were both spilling, crying out together the name of their beloved into the other's mouth. And it seemed to go on and on, beyond endurance, until they collapsed, completely exhausted, into each other. 

Neither willing to break the embrace, they held on, shaking and shivering, small cries and whimpers fading finally, until there was only peace, fragile peace, held carefully between them, like a precious jewel, brilliant in the first light of day. An eternity later, they stirred, knowing there was work to be done, if they wanted to hold onto the ethereal treasure they had created together. So, with much groaning and mutual assistance, they got up, went slowly downstairs to the bathroom, and shared a shower, too depleted to attempt more than a few kisses and caresses.

By the time the shower was over, however, they had regained some energy, and drying each other off, careful of various tender spots strewn about their bodies, they ran back upstairs to get dressed. Eggs, as promised to Blair, hash browns, toast, juice \--- they discovered they were starving and gobbled up every morsel of food cooked and scrounged in the refrigerator for more. Hunger satisfied at last, they relaxed on the balcony, letting breakfast settle. Jim sat back on the chaise lounge, Blair between his legs, leaning back against him, wrapped in his arms, head snuggled under Jim's chin. They continued touching, caressing, stroking --- not with passion now, but need --- need to reassure, comfort, strengthen their union for what was to come. 

The view from the balcony was spectacular and they shared it in silence, heartbeats and breathing syncronized --- joined in body, mind, and soul. When the air had warmed and the morning mist had burned away, they rose together, knowing where they were going, and without words, put on their jackets, and headed down the path toward the lake. Walking beside each other, hold hands, pausing for an occasional kiss and embrace, they were curiously peaceful considering what lay ahead. Somehow, at the peak of their shared climax, they had opened to each other and were now irrevocably united, their souls fused together past any dissolution. They knew they could walk through fire together without either getting burned. No force in the universe could destroy that connection, nothing could ever separate them again. The path levelled out, and rounding a bend they came out of the woods onto the lakeshore. The lake was small, but the water was clear, and there was soft, inviting grass on the bank. Finding a spot with a perfect view, Jim sat and leaned back against a tree, pulling Blair down into his lap. Cradling that wonderful head in one hand, he reached around Blair's waist and drew him against his body. Bending his head forward, he flicked his tongue across those sensitive, full lips, delighting once more in the taste of Blair's mouth.

Very, very slowly, he touched his lips to Blair's, gradually increasing the pressure, cherishing the feel of the voluptuous mouth, warm, moist, opening to invite him in for further exploration. Two small hands crept up from his chest, reaching around his neck and locking onto the back of his head, exerting more and more pressure, trying, obviously, to shove his head into the mouth that was now devouring his. Breathless, they wrenched themselves free of each other, and sat a moment, panting with desire. But that was for later. They knew why they were here. This must be dealt with before they could move forward. Turning Blair in his lap, Jim once again leaned back against the tree, took Blair's beautiful, sensitive hands in his, wrapped their arms around Blair and snugged the smaller man back into his chest. Blair's fingers wove themselves around his and he pulled their arms tighter around him. They sat silently for a moment, Jim wishing he could stay like this forever, but he knew he had to face the terrible memories if he wanted to build a life with Blair.

Taking a deep breath, hearing Blair's heart jump in response, he began: "Blair, you know what my father was like when I was growing up. How strict he was, how dominating. In our house, we learned early to be tough and not show what we were feeling, because if he decided you were being a wimp, it meant a lecture and extra chores at the very least, a beating if he thought you needed to be toughened up some. By the time I turned 18, I knew I was bisexual and I knew what that meant if my father ever found out. He'd kill me before taking a chance on such an insult to his manhood being found out by our friends and family., so I left home and joined the army."

Blair snorted softly, "Smooth move, man. They are like *so* sympathetic toward gays and bis." 

Smiling briefly, Jim squeezed Blair quickly, scolding him, "Hush, imp. Let me tell this my way. I was 18 and it was a way out. I didn't stop to think about their policies or restrictions. I just wanted to escape his tyranny. So, there I was, green as a gourd, all raging hormones, but mostly just plain raging. I was angry at the world, taking on anyone who looked at me wrong, hell, if they breathed wrong, I'd jump their case. I guess basic training is good for something after all, it sure worked a lot of the anger out of me. You don't really have the time or energy to be angry. They run you from sunup to sundown, let you sleep a few hours and start on you again. Break you down and rebuild you into what they want, that's the goal of basic." 

"Anyway, after six of the most exhausting weeks I'd every known, I graduated top of my class and was invited to NCOC school. That's Non-Commissioned Officer Candidate. Apparently, the drill sergeants keep an eye out for anyone showing leadership abilities, and I got picked along with a couple of other from my basic class. After the hell of basic training, NCOC seemed like a piece of cake, so I jumped at the chance. It was anything but. Basic was exhausting physically, but now we were in class day in and day out, learning strategy, leadership skills, special classes in battlefield tactics and psychology. I'd never spent so much time studying in my life. After NCOC, I was approached by a Special Ops commander. They thought I'd make a good operative, but it meant more specialized training --- weapons, martial arts, survival techniques, covert operations. Yeah, by the time I graduated I was nothing like the bitter, angry young man who ran away from home to join the service. I'd matured, physically, mentally, and I'd also gained a lot of confidence in my abilities and skills. So there I was, a walking, talking killing machine, just waiting for someone to turn me on and point out the enemy. The only problem was I hadn't matured emotionally. I simply turned my emotions off and never missed them. I was a cold, fearless, pitiless son-of-a-bitch and I didn't care who knew it." 

"My team had more successful missions than any other, primarily because I'd hand-picked them myself and I only picked men like me, who'd do whatever it took to get the job done. We were given the missions no one else wanted, the most dangerous, the ones where somebody was most likely going to get killed --- ours or theirs ---- didn't matter. We went in, did the job, and got out in one piece, if possible. If not, we brought home the body bags. And I gotta tell you, Chief, I brought home way too many body bags. You know, you can't keep emotions bottled up forever, and my seals had begun to spring a few leaks. Of course, the violent ones are strongest, so they came out first. I was raging again, but was still able to channel it into the missions. Then the hormones started raging. I'd figured out pretty quick just how *sympathetic* they were toward people with my . . . um, sexual inclinations. So I buried that too, except for the het part. I fucked my way through half the women in whichever town I was stationed near, but something was missing. There was no caring, no emotional attachment, so it was just fucking and that's all. Well, I was primed and ready by the time I met Chris."

Jim was surprised when that name and the accompanying memories brought only a deep ache in his heart. He hadn't been able to speak Chris' name or think about him since . . . Well, obviously, some pains were still just as sharp as ever. Taking another deep breath, hugging Blair a little closer against the pain, and nuzzling against his hair, inhaling the aroma that meant "Blair" to him, Jim closed his eyes, swallowed and moved relentlessly back into his memories.   


"Chris and I were close in age, and we'd both left home because we couldn't take the chance that our families would find us out, but that's where the similarities stopped. Chris was a "rich kid". His family owned some mining company, were richer than God, and had planned his life out in great detail before he was 5 years old. But they didn't count on a gay son. Pillars of the community, big in the church, of course, that would have been totally unacceptable. So rather than embarrass his family, he left and joined the army, too. Maybe he was trying to prove something to himself. I don't know and he never said. Anyway, he couldn't fight his basic nature and was just as primed as I was." 

"We met at one of those stuffy commander's parties, both of us with women who were just there for decoration, and in my case at least, a quick fuck on the way home to relieve sexual tension. I looked across the room, and there he was, the most beautiful man I'd ever seen. Blond crew-cut, ice-blue eyes, a body to die for --- I guess if there's such a thing as 'love at first sight' I fell in that instant. I knew I had to meet him, had to have him." 

Jim felt Blair's body tense up suddenly and heard his heart thud painfully loud. He wasn't going to say anything, Jim knew, but it had to hurt hearing about Jim loving someone other than him. Not wanting this to go any further, Jim unwrapped his arms and gently turned Blair around. He didn't look up until Jim lifted his face. Jim felt his own heart thud painfully at the sight of tears in those brilliant eyes. Kissing Blair's eyes closed, Jim kissed his beautiful face free of the salty liquid before softly pressing his lips to Blair's.

'Time for some repair work."

Even though Jim knew this was a vital part of building what he wanted with Blair, he hated himself for having caused Blair pain and meant to heal the hurt before going on. Drawing Blair into his arms again, hugging the younger man against his chest, he started rocking and murmuring against his hair, "Blair, baby, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. This was so, so long ago and all that's left are just a few memories of brief joy and a lot of pain and anger at myself. I'll stop if you want me to. I've lived with it this long, I can live with it forever, if talking about it means hurting you. I love you Blair, I'll never love anyone else again. I don't want anything or anyone to ever hurt you again and that includes me. Please, Blair, tell me what you want me to do."

Blair's body had been shaking slightly with his sobs, but as Jim whispered against his hair, he realized his lover had misunderstood his tears. Pulling away from Jim a little, he gazed up into those sky-blue eyes, seeing his tears mirrored there. Reaching up to pat and stroke Jim's face, Blair said, "Jim, lover, no, no. I'm not hurt, Jim. My tears are for you and the pain you've suffered. I know you love me, Jim. I can't be hurt by your memories. I know you'll never leave me anymore than I could ever leave you. Please, Jim, you've got to go on with this. If you don't, the pain will just fester and grow until it turns into something really ugly, something that could hurt or kill you. I love you, Jim, I want you to be healed." 

Smiling though his tears, it was his turn to tenderly kiss the mouth that seemed, at that moment, so vulnerable. Breathing again, Jim briefly closed his eyes and said a quick prayer of thanks to whichever god had sent the mysterious, marvellous, nameless grace of Blair Sandburg to him. He knew the fates had smiled on him and vowed then and there to spent the rest of his life repaying them for this precious bundle of love he held in his arms. After several minutes of loving and petting each other, Blair decided it was time to continue, so he turned back around, reached for Jim's hands, wrapped their arms tightly around himself, and leaned back against the solid chest behind him. 

Feeling Jim snuggling him back into a comfortable position, then nestling his face into Blair's hair again, Blair smiled, feeling warm all over. Not rushing, letting Jim take his time and sort through his memories, Blair gazed out across the lake. 'What a perfect healing place. In this natural setting, no artificial sounds or smells, only Mother Nature's healing balm, Jim will purge the dark from his soul and become whole again And I'm so thankful to be here to help him heal.' Blair opened himself to the glory around him and melted into Jim's arms.

Jim felt Blair relax bonelessly into his arms, and thought his heart would burst with love. This bewitching, enticing, intoxicating creature had decided to bestow his presence on him, James Ellison, and there was nothing Jim could do about it except love him and hang on for the ride. Turning his mind back to the matter at hand, Jim hesitated a moment and started where he'd left off. 

"Chris had apparently seen me earlier and had been working his way carefully towards me, trying to be as nonchalant as possible, still wary of the eyes that watched everyone. Eventually, we managed to meet 'accidentally' over the hors d'oeuvres. With a few whispered words and some judicious hand signals, we communicated our interest to each other and arranged to meet later in a less public place. It was a whirlwind courtship. We decided to have a monogamous relationship and agreed to stop dating anyone else, including women. Aside from the fact that we had to hide how we felt from everyone we knew, we were happy, content, hell, if we'd been civilians, we'd have probably lived together and considered ourselves married. But as usually happens, Real Life got in the way and I got orders for the mission to Peru. I don't know if Chris had a premonition, or what, but he begged me not to go. He know I had no choice, but I can still see him, kneeling in our bed, tears streaming down his face, reaching for me as I left, begging me not to leave, telling me he'd do anything, be anything, if I'd stay, screaming at me 'How can you leave me? I love you!!!' "

Jim shuddered at the echo in his mind, hugging Blair and kissing his head and down onto his neck. "I've heard those last words every night in my dreams for six and a half years and I still can't understand why he thought I could stay. I was a soldier, so was he. He knew I couldn't refuse a mission without some serious explanations. But then, the mission went wrong, and the chopper crashed. You know what happened to me in Peru, about the 18 months I spent in the jungle there. Although, for a while my memories were sketchy, toward the end, I began to remember more and one thing I remembered clearly was that last scene as I left and those words echoed through me day after day, branding themselves into my psyche. By the time that special ops team picked me up, I was half crazy, hell, maybe I was all crazy, but all I could think of was getting back to the states, finding Chris and trying to make it up to him for the time we'd lost."

"When I got back, I though the worst was over, and start searching personnel records, trying to track him down. I talked to a few people who'd known about us, but they said they'd lost contact with him after the first two or three months. Thought he's applied for a transfer or resigned from service. But they couldn't tell me where he might be. Searching for your gay lover in the armed forces is no picnic, let me tell you, but I kept at it, being as careful as I could and still make some kind of progress. Then one day, I hit paydirt. I stumbled across his personnel record in an archived database. He'd resigned three months after our chopper was reported down. The forwarding address was in somewhere in California. The first leave I was able to arrange, I took off to find him. Major mistake, Chief. I should've let sleeping dogs lie. But if I had, I might not have ever met you. Funny how your life branches off, leading you exactly where you're supposed to go. Anyway, I found the little town on the outskirts of LA, found the address listed on his discharge papers, but Chris didn't live there anymore. 

The people living there thought they'd heard of him though. Said, 'Oh, yeah, he was that queer, right? He got killed several months ago. No more than he deserved. Ain't natural men having sex with men. Goes against the Book.' Stunned, unable to even thank them for their help, I just turned and walked away. I don't think I had ever felt so cold in my whole life. Dead. Chris was dead and he hadn't even known I was still alive. I thought about killing myself, but I've always had this real strong survival instinct, so I knew I'd probably just make a mess of it. I walked around for hours, not even caring where I was going. I was numb, dead inside. And I couldn't even cry. The man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with was dead and I didn't even have that comfort."

Listening to the agony in Jim voice, Blair felt the his tears start flowing again, but he let them fall unheeded, crying for Jim and for Chris, because Jim hadn't been able to. The tears dripped onto his and Jim's joined hands, a gentle benediction for both their souls. Jim felt the tears, but knew now they were for him and Chris, and he silently thanked Blair by dropping a kiss on his soft curls.

"I finally ended up in front of some liquor store. I went in, bought several bottles of cheap whisky and went back out and flagged down a cab. He took me to the nearest motel, some run-down fleabag place. I got a room, locked myself in and proceeded to get totally and completely intoxicated, drinking straight from the bottles, until I finally passed out on the bed. I don't know how long I was out, but when I woke up I wasn't dead anymore, just wished I was. I had the granddaddy of all hangovers, a raging, thundering pain in my head and a raging, killing anger in my heart. I got myself cleaned up, left, and finally found a drugstore to get something for the hangover. Then I hailed another cab and went to the local library. I had to know what had happened to Chris. Had to find out where he'd been buried and if it had been an accident or murder. I searched until I found the newspaper articles. It wasn't front page stuff, just some queer who'd been kidnapped, tortured, raped repeatedly, and finally stabbed to death. There weren't any pictures of the body, thank God, or I'd probably have lost it right there in the library, but the article did give the investigating officer's name and a phone number asking anyone with information to call. I searched for follow-up articles to see if anyone had been arrested, but couldn't find any. I made a note of the number and name, thanked the woman at the desk for her help, and left."

"Finding a phone, I dialled the number and asked to speak with the investigating officer. He'd since transferred and the person I finally reached didn't seem too interested in answering my questions. He finally told me the case had been retired as unsolved due to lack of leads and made some excuse about needing to answer another call. As he was hanging up, I heard him muttering about 'them damn queers'. I hung up, the rage in me threatening to explode, and was immediately and thoroughly sick right there on the street. The thought of Chris, my beautiful, gentle lover, being tortured, raped and then thrown on some trash heap by the cops because they couldn't be bothered about some 'queer', was almost more than I could stand. I walked around some more, trying to get regain control of my feelings, thinking about what I wanted to do now. I felt sort of lost, you know? My search for Chris had come to an abrupt end and I didn't know what to do with the rest of my life. I caught my flight back to the base, and tried to resume my career there. But the anger got in the way and I found myself in the brig for 30 days for striking an officer. They gave me no choice."

"They did give me an honorable discharge, since I'd been stuck in the fucking jungle because one of their officers had gone bad. That and back pay for the 18 months. *If* I kept my mouth shut and never told anyone what really happened. So I took it, left the base, stuck out my thumb and ended up in Cascade. I'd always liked the idea of living in this part of the country and I just kept heading in this direction until I got here. I figured with my special training, I'd be able to get a job when I wanted one and then I could decide what I wanted to do. It wasn't so close to California that I was constantly reminded of Chris, but close enough that if I decided to pursue it, I wouldn't have far to travel."

Jim paused, knowing the next part would be the hardest. Hardest to tell Blair and hardest to remember. But, he needed to look into Blair's eyes to be able to continue. Seeing the love shine in Blair's eyes, he'd know he was loved and wanted, and maybe the pain wouldn't be quite so bad.

"Blair, I need you to turn around now. I need to see you, look at you for the rest of this. Will you do that for me, baby? It'll be hard, but I can get through it if I can look at you, look into your eyes." 

Blair turned in Jim's arms and straddling his legs, took Jim's hands in his. Smiling at his lover, he leaned forward for a quick kiss and whispered, "Jim, I'll do anything it takes to get you through this to the other side. Just tell me what you need. I love you, Jim, with all my heart. I need you. I'm yours, forever, and you're mine, forever." 

Somehow he'd known that was what Jim needed to hear. He saw some of the tension ease in the lines around Jim's eyes. And a little smile crooked the corners of Jim's mouth., just for a moment. Another soft kiss, and he squeezed the big hands, letting Jim know he was ready. "I just sort of hung out for a couple of months after I got to Cascade, cruising the gay bars, drinking heavily, not really caring what happened or where I was going. I was pretty messed up by then and was headed toward skid row on a fast train. Then someone I'd met in one of the bars mentioned to me that the Vice Squad was looking for recruits. I'd have to clean up my act though and go to the Police Academy for a while, before I could apply. I thought about that for a couple of days and decided that I could do that and I might, just might, be able to look into what had happened to Chris. I knew it was a long shot, this wasn't California, but it was the only chance I had to get close enough to the case to do some investigation of my own. So I stopped drinking, got a haircut, shaved, dusted off my service record and applied at the Academy. They were glad to get an ex-special ops man, less investment of training, since I'd already had a lot of it. When I graduated, I applied to the Cascade PD, Vice Squad, and got hired immediately. But I hadn't really thought about what that meant. I didn't realize that under cover cops had to assume a role and become whomever they were playing." 

"If you were working a drug case, that might mean taking drugs to make the buys. Those dealers aren't all stupid or strung out and they wouldn't trust their own mothers. I volunteered to work the prostitution cases, thinking I'd be working with female cops posing as hookers. I thought I'd be their back-up. That's not exactly how it worked."

Pausing again, Jim waited to see if Blair understood what was coming. No dummy, his Blair, that quick mind immediately grasped the implications of what Jim had said and as understanding reached his eyes, they teared again, this time for Jim's humiliation and shame. Lifting one of Jim's hand to his cheek, he rubbed his face against the hard fist, and then kissed each finger, and coaxing the tight grip to open, laid one very special kiss in the callused palm. Looking back up at Jim, he leaned into the broad chest, reaching his arms around Jim, and hugged him as hard as he could for several moments. Releasing Jim, he sat up, took the hands in his again, and smiled.

"Go on, it's almost over now."

'Now, how did he know that?' It didn't matter, he *knew* and that was all that counted. Jim clenched his jaw, took a deep breath and plunged forward into the mire of memories.

"It wasn't the sex. I'd had sex with hundreds of men by that time. But we were working really nasty cases, b&d, s&m, mutilation, really dark stuff. What scared me was I was beginning to *like* what was happening. I was teetering on the edge insanity and just barely hanging on. I'd made several attempts to open a dialogue with the California police department about Chris' case and they weren't biting. So I took my frustration out on the job. I was crazy, Blair, and getting crazier by the day. I knew what was happening and just refused to try and stop it." Tears were streaming down Jim's face, his body racked with sobs as he tried to finish the story. 

Kissing his face gently, Blair waited for the storm to pass, then asked, "What happened, Jim? What pulled you out of it?" Having walked through the fire, Jim was able to smile again, a little smile.

"Simon. He took over as captain in Major Crimes and tracked me down to ask me to come work for him. I don't what he saw in that crazed, out of control wreck I'd become, but I'm glad he took the time to look. It took several weeks of him yelling at me to convince me he really did want me to work for him. I decided if someone of Simon Banks' calibre thought enough of me to work that hard on me, maybe there was something worth saving. So I requested the transfer, lost the tough guy attitude (that took a while), changed my image and started over. I tried to bury my past, only dated women, became the upstanding, squeaky clean All-American cop you see standing, uh, sitting before you today." 

Relieved to hear humor return to Jim's voice, see the corners of his eyes crinkle in laughter, Blair thought quickly, 'Now we have to finish this and move on.' Looking straight into Jim's eyes, he asked, "Jim, did you ever find out about Chris?"

Pain, a flash, then gone, "No, Blair. I never found out what happened. After I transferred to Major Crimes, I tried checking again a time or two, but they'd closed the case and didn't want it reopened. Chris' body was claimed by his family, I did find out, and he's buried in the family plot at the church. Somehow he kept his life private from them, until he was killed. Somebody in his family must have known though, because it got hushed up pretty quick and they just let the everybody assume it was bad luck that Chris was in the area where he was grabbed. I guess they didn't want a big scandal. Money talks. I made a trip to his grave to lay a wreath and say goodbye. I told his family we were in service together, and I'd been out of the country when he was killed. Which was the truth. I didn't see any reason to go into any of the rest of it."

"What about yesterday on the path coming down here and the nightmare this morning? Were those about Chris or your time in Vice?"

Jim really didn't want to answer those questions, had been hoping Blair wouldn't ask. But he knew it had to be finished, completely finished. "Yesterday, I still wasn't sure you loved me or wanted me. I was admiring your . . . ah, luminescence when I remembered the time in Vice and knew that so much light would have to be balanced by an equal amount of dark and it terrified me to think you might be hurt because I loved you so much. Twisted, I know, but there it is."

"OK, but you know now how very much I love you, right? You know what we have can't be destroyed, no matter what?" 

"Yeah, Chief, I know, but it's a Blessed Protector's role to worry about his Guide, you know. I'll try to keep it to a low roar." Teasing again, Jim was stalling, trying to push the other question away, and knew it was no good. Blair Sandburg was nothing if not tenacious. He was like a dog, gnawing on a bone. He wouldn't let up until all the marrow was gone and the bone was licked clean. 'Ooooooh, what a thought,' Jim wiggled a little as heat flashed through his body. Gratified he could feel again, he forgot the other question for a moment.

"Jim, what did you dream this morning?" Blue ocean eyes, hypnotic, mesmerising, caught his in a relentless grip. 'Only truth, Jim, only truth between you.'

"You, Blair, the dream was about you. It was just like what happened to Chris, but it was happening to you and I couldn't find you, couldn't save you. And then when I finally found you it was too late." Even now pain twisted in his guts like a sharp knife, and he heard himself scream in the dream. 

'NOOOOO!! OH, GOD, PLEASE, NOOOO!!.'

Reaching blindly for Blair, wrapping his arms around that wiry body, he buried his face in Blair's hair, and begged,

'Please no, don't ever take him from me. If he has to die, let me die with the same breath, because I can't live without him. Please, I'll do anything, just grant this one request, please.'

Blair held Jim tightly to him. Hearing his broken murmur, knowing the terror had to run its course, he waited until Jim had quieted, until the pain receded enough for Jim to hear him again. "Jim, listen to me. It's over. It's finished. That's all there is and now the dark is gone and only light remains. Your nightmare will never see the light of day because you will always be here to protect me, always. And I'll always be here to Guide you, always. Forever and through all of eternity. Do you understand what I'm saying?" 

Waiting, not daring to breathe, he held Jim's gaze until he saw the wave crest and break and all the pain and anguish flooded out of Jim's body in the tear pouring down his face. The darkness receded and faded away. And finally, the clear, cloudless blue sky shone through again. Sentinel was there, strong, fearless, his love for Guide shining like the sun, drying the tears. 

Then Jim was back, desire hot enough to sizzle, hot enough to melt Blair's bones, blazing in his eyes. Gasping as the flames kindled the inferno in his body again, he lunged forward and hungrily thrust his tongue into Jim's open mouth, knowing this time they would ignite the fires of heaven with their passion. 

* * *

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